Things You Don't Want to Hear in a Lunch Conversation

Craig: SaWaDee Khrup!

Brother of Lan: SaWaDee Khrup! Khrup!

Lan: Come. Sit here!

Brother: Noodle? Noodle? Or... Ahhh.... Khrup! Noodle?

Lan: Noodle or ....

Craig: Noodle, yes. Thank you. Kahp koon khrup.

Lan: Sit here. No. Here.

(Craig sits down.)

Lan: Come here.

(Craig stands up and goes to wooden railing.)

Lan: Mekong. Lao. Thai. Lao.

(Lan points to the friendship bridge.)

Brother: Seattle?

Craig: Bin ot lai?

(These words mean "Is something wrong" and are completely inappropriate at this point....)

Brother: Seattle? (Spoken in baritone.)

Lan: Their daughter have Foolbright and goes to Seattle fah school.

Craig: Great! Great!

(All laugh. Wife of Brother of Lan walks out with glass pitcher of an iced amber liquid. A
yellowish tea perhaps? Employee of Brother of Lan arrive with a bowl of rice and a western spoon.
Lan sends her away for something else. She returns with an empty bowl and an asian spoon and a
plate. Lan takes some rice from the bowl and puts it in the empty bowl. She begins to eat, and
pushes the rest of the bowl of rice to Craig. It has other items mixed into a creamy sauce -- it
looks pretty good. It occurs to Craig that it in no way resembles noodles. Brother of Lan begins
to swirl the glass pitcher so the ice clinks inside.)

Lan: Ta much fo me. You eat!

Craig: Ta much for me too.

Lan: You wait fah noodle?

Craig: No. This is good. Too much.

Lan: Put some on tis plate.

(Lan pushes the plate to Craig, who uses the asian spoon to put some on the plate. Craig looks
back and forth at the plate and the spoon.)

Craig: I use? ....?

(Lan ignores Craig. Brother of Lan looks at Craig and swirls glass pitcher again. Ice
clinking. Craig begins to eat. He finds the rice dish bland but good.)

Brother: Tamind? (Pitcher swirls. Ice clinks.)

Craig: Ok. Yes?

Brother: Tamind?

Lan: You try. Is very good.

Craig: Khrup. Yes. Thank you.

Lan: Go get glass.

(Lan gestures across the hotel patio. Craig and Wife of Lan both stand up. Craig walks to the
location gestured toward, and sees no glasses. He picks up a small coffee cup.)

Craig: Can I use this?

Lan: Ok. Use that if you lie.

Brother: No. No.

(Brother of Lan gesticulates widely. Some of his glass of tamind spills onto the table. Wife
of Brother of Lan walks around Craig with a glass and begins to tong some ice into it.)

Craig: Thank you. Kahp kun khrup. (Side note: These three words need to be spoken to the melody
of the Mr. Ed theme song.)

(Brother of Lan pours a glass of tamind for Craig, who drinks it and finds it very tasty.)

Craig: Good. Mai. (Inappropriate.) Tamarind? Tamarind?

Lan: Yes. Tamarind juice.

Craig: It is very good. Kahp kun khrup.

(Eating and drinking continues. Chatting continues. Plates of noodles arrive.)

A glass and a half of Tamarind later:

(Lan points to Craig's glass.)

Lan: You like.

Craig: Yes. Very good. Very good.

(A crucial pause.)

Lan: Do not worry if you get diarrhea. This is a laxative.

Craig: Oh?

Lan: Yes. This is laxative. Tamarind.

(Another pause.)

Lan: You need toilet.

Craig: Uh. No. Kahp kun khrup.

Lan: I am sensitive. I go now.

Craig: Ah. Ok.

(Lan rises and leaves the table. Long pause. Craig looks around. His gaze falls on the east
side of the patio.)

Brother of Lan: Toilet.

(Brother of Lan points and nods head. Craig rises and leaves the table.)